Monday, February 25, 2008

50 pounds

WOOOWHOOOOOOOO I did it, I have lost 50.5 pounds! I weighed exactlyy 185 today! That means only 50 pounds till goal!!

Here are my update photos. I apologize for the angle and that my head is cut out but autotimer can only do so much hehe.
Also when I pasted the comparison pics all together they arent all the same size but you have to bear with me I dont have a photo editing program!

Look at how much better my back looks from 50 pounds ago HOLY COW!!!
And do you see that? I have the startings of a collar bone OMG!!! And can we say waist? I have a waist!! This is amazing. I also can see a big difference in my face...
I will take some nice pictures later on today of me in regular clothes also. I just wanted to get these up first thing for Shrunk instead of making her wait all day hehe.

So either tonight or tomorrow check back for other update photos. Seeing as I just got home from work I am not exactly "nice photo" ready haha.

Till next time :)

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I Miss the internet!!

WOW I use the internet more often than I think that I do!

Just a mini update
a) this week I am applying for MORE new jobs, I am praying that I get a new one this week so I can quit the hotel, its taking such a tole on me!
b)WI day is tomorrow... *fingers crossed* I may just hit my 50 pounds this week :D
c)It has been beautiful here which means I am able to walk outside again :) hooray

Also as you can see by my ticker I havent had a drink of any type of pop for 55 days!! So proud of myself!

Not much else going on but I will update tomorrow with my WI.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

WI day

Down to 187! 1.5 more pounds until ive lost 50 pounds, I so hope I hit it next monday!!

Nothing interesting to say today, no internet for four more days so I will update when i am back at work :)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Shemales and evading the po-po

So last night I come back to work and am bored out of my mind...I realize tonight on the drive to work I didnt even THINK to update my blog haha. So I have 2 stupid stories then some stuff that might be more interesting.

1) last night I was driving 100 in a 70 zone and drove RIGHT by the cops! so when I get to the intersection just down the road I was so turning off the road becuase I figured they would follow me then pull me over ... well I took a right at the intersection and a random left somewhere on that particular road... the cops never followed me ...that or I lost them becuase I lost myself... I had no freaking clue where I was LOL 5 minutes of driving around messed up curved roads ive never been on before I found my way back to the road I work on.

2) tonight I am driving to work (dont worry I wasnt speeding) and I am turning onto
the street I work on and there is a political sign in the ditch (thats where they put it up, it wasnt thrown into the ditch) and I glanced at it and I swear it said "Shemale" I slammed on the breaks and did a double take LOL turns out it actually said "Schmale" ... I was a little disappointed when I realized I was wrong LOL I am amused by the stupidest stuff!

So I started applying for more new jobs, they arent in town though so I would still have to drive to and from work but I need out of nights. Other bad job related news - one girl is quitting and the other is having problems with her pregnancy so shes out on medical leave so I am so going to be guilt tripped into staying here I know it... but I gotta move on.

I dont really have much else to say other than I have been without internet for a week so thus the lack of blog updates however I am going to first of all - find my digital camera this week and then take some update photos to post to celebrate my 50 pounds lost woowhooo. So till then (or until I get something better to say lol)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

For Asian Dragon

Here is a pic of my puppy :)

Everything in my life is BROKEN today!!

Oh boy, I had a great day today.

Firstly it snows all night and then the wind picked up so it was -29 with a windchill of who knows what (it felt like a -35 day to me!) So I dont know whether its a good idea or not to drive home... I went anyway it was fine, however I misplaced my mittens so it was DAMN cold for a while!

Fast forward to home. I get out the car and I brought my laundry to work last night so I had to unload that too. I struggle with these two huge bags but I get them into the house! I decide to bring the laundry downstairs then get duke to let him out to pee. Since this is me we are talking about go figure something is bound to go horribly wrong! I grab the bags ... one in front of me one behind me and I get to the stairs, which are somewhat narrow but I have seen worse! 2 people cannot walk side by side up them! There is no railing and the entire right hand side is entirely exposed (no wall or rail or anything). So I get about 8 steps from the bottom and the bag of laundry, whcih just happened to be the heaviest one, decidest that its going to slide by the edge where there is no wall then fall over said edge...

Lets do a little mental addition

Candace + Stairs + loss of balance = ouch. Thats right the bag pulled me to the right and i tripped when I tried to balance myself out so I fell down the stairs. At the bottom I get up and tripped over my own two feet and managed to somehow "land" on my big toe... I bent it over on itself and it hurt sooooo bad!!! I almost passed out (I have a shitty pain tolerance level, a really bad charlie horse can make me pass out... this was sooo bad) So I am rolling around on the floor holding my toe then I get to that point where I was blacking out so i rolled on my side and just breathed and I pulled myself out of it. After I realize that im ok and nothing is broken and I havent passed out I crack up laughing at myself. At this point I stand up and duke comes flying at me out of nowhere so clearly BFF woke up and opened the bedroom door. He got dressed after he heard the "crash bang boom OUCH" to come see if I was ok. I could barely walk on my right foot just because of my fresh injury hurting really bad but I went on with my day. After I got up the top of my foot has a bruise about the size of a toonie on it... but oddly my toe hurts inb the first joint, its bruised on top of my foot at the second joint so dont ask me how I did that! But yes It still hurts.

Fast forward again to when I wake up and figure out what to make for supper. I get my recipe out ask BFF if he would like it we agree that it would be a yummy change, I make my grocery list then head out the door. Get into my car, it wont start.. tried 2 times, go into the house yell to BFF for the keys to the truck (i was just going to run to the store in his truck then come home and deal with my car afterwards cus I was very hungry) He puts on his jacket to come help me, he asked to hear the noise my car made trying to start, I turn the key BAM it starts (go figure) fine, we let it run cus it was freezing out and for some reason my entire engine, battery ... everything under the hood was completely covered in snow?!?!
We go together to the store, come back, I turn off the car and go in the house.

Fast forward to 10pm. I get up from my nap shower pack my bag etc, 10 oclock is later than I usually leave but I slept in a bit, so I head out the door and get in the car, no lights no movement no noise... I go back in the house and tell BFF. He comes to take a look thinking I have a battery cable loose... it is dark and freezing out... he said he would fix it in the morning, he drove me to work. May I remind you its 58 kms each way and he has to come get me in the morning so thats 200+ KMS just for driving me to work and picking me up... I have 2 more nights this week.

Even worse... if my car needs to go to a mechanic:
2) He goes back to work 700kms away from home on TUESDAY :S
3) I would have no way to get to work until I could get my car back
Hopefully its just my battery but its fairly new... who knows... I hope he can fix it tomororw.

OH and thirdly the other thing broken in my life. My poor puppy must have had sympathy pains for mommy today becuase he hurt his leg today too... hes limping a little but it is probably from slipping on ice, if hes still doing it tomorrow I will call the vet but he will probably sleep it off (maybe just tender!)

I still cant believe I fell down the stairs haha

PS I havent had Pop of any kind for 40 days, Im adding a ticker to the side of my blog to track... my short term goal is 1 year no pop bah

Friday, February 8, 2008

Why? (long and dreadfully honest)

Do you ever wonder why ? (queue music for hit show of the early 90's haha)
Seriously I was reading Howse6977's blog and she had a post about WHY. Why do you want to lose weight. So I got to thinking, hey I should ask myself why do I want this. But it made me think back to a post Susan made on the WW boards a while ago about how she wanted to get to the bottom of WHY she got overweight in the first place to try to help her better understand why she had been struggling with staying OP.

So since I am waiting for my laundry to finish up (yes I am at work doing my laundry because my washer at home is broken) I thought hey what fun would it be to think of my Whys and maybe that will help me beat the winter blahs, stop bingeing (uggh cant stop at all i dont know whats wrong with me this last week) and move forward cus I dont want to be fat anymore!

So here goes the fun!

Why am I fat?

Well I wasnt always fat! I do know this, however I *thought* I was fat. Ok yes I had some "baby fat" going on but I was not fat or unhealthy!! This is one thing I totally hate about society is how weight and fatness is such a Big deal (haha pun intended). I can remember in the 4th grade that we used to take swimming lessons at the local YMCA through the school. Once a week they would bus us to the Y and we would have our swimming lessons then go back to school to catch the bus to go home. Now this is going to probably break some hearts but I can remember that I needed a new bathing suit and my mom went and got me one and I was all thrilled and 2 of my friends got the same one as me but they had black and I had pink. We somehow got talking about sizes and weight... do not ask me why as 8 and 9 year old kids we were talking about this but we did. Anyway I remember I weighed something like 94 pounds and my friends were saying how they weighed 70 something pounds and clearly you can make the connection 70 ish is 20 some pounds lower than 90 pounds and nobody else weighed near as much as I did so there we have it I was the fat kid. Did I mention that I was probably about 5 fricken feet tall when I was in the 4th grade (My mom used to have to buy me clothes from the petite womens section in elementary school becuasse I was too tall for normal little girls clothes this I also remember clearly!) My mama reads my blog so she will remember buying me short women pants (lol poor Izzy, shes about as tall as I was in elementary school Big puffy heart ya Izzy!)

So yes back to my point no word of a lie I used to think I was fat in elementary school. Ask my mother, I grew fast, I was off the charts when I went to the doctor! But since I was a little kid and didnt know what I know now about health and growing I had no clue that I wasnt fat I just thought that the more you weighed the fatter you were! So thats my heart break story for the day. Ps I had an older brother and he would tease me but you know how it is... kids are cruel, that didnt help convince me I wasnt fat!

I remember still weighing decent numbers through jr high. I remember the summer before high school I went to visit my Aunt in Ontario for the summer and I dont know if I was trying to lose weight or not (I totally remember having home made chocolate milkshakes ALL the flipping time! Not very healthful!) but I remember getting on her scale at her house and I remember seeing 168 pounds on her scale. That summer I lost a bit of weight but it was cus me and Jared were out and about so much. But I do specifically remember the numbers I saw being like 163,165 and 168 I remember weighing that much at 15!! Just a reminder note for my current height 168 is my highest possible healthy weight before overweight so yes I was slightly shorter then... maybe 5'6 (i'm 5'9) but just for a comparison I was pretty much at a healthy weight then.

I dont recall my weight through highschool. However I am currently 189 pounds (well as of last WI I missed mine on monday)and I can fit into pants I wore in my senior year of high school. So my guess is I was probably in the higher 180's range in grade 12.

Now I dont recall what I weighed in my earlier years of jr high but just from the summer after grade 9 to the end of grade 12 I had gained about 20 pounds (based on the fact that I am currently wearing those pin stripe pants I just mentioned) I was never in sports as a kid, I had a wild imagination and when I was little I used to go out and play, I rode my bike places. In jr high high school I didnt have any real extra curriculars other than band and memorial club and they werent really highly active (other than the marching band, hard not to be active when you walk when you play music!) So I am betting on lack of exercising being part of why I got fat!

I dont recall many of my eating habits but I do know that I am one of those people who NEVER ate breakfast!! I know its the "most important meal of the day but I used to be so sick to my stomach first thing in the morning that I could never eat breakfast or I would be ill. Who knows if this had a serious impact on my weight or not, I would probably say yes... my aunt has a theory that my mom is the thinnest of the her and her 2 sisters because she always ate breakfast (always did still always does every single day!) I think part of my sick stomach in the mornings was nerves... once I got to high school I felt HORRIBLE every single day till i got to school... i think I was just so damn nervous to go that it literally made me sick.

On the topic of eating habits I remember many instances of when I would eat more than I needed to just becuase. Who knows if this was hard wired into my brain or what but I do recall eating more than I needed to as a kid even. I always ate really fast that I can remember. I wrote a post before I deleted everything on my blog about how I used to just have sick binges on mcdonalds at 11pm every single day of the week (I think the total was something like 38 points just for my evening meal after eating regular meals throughout the day - I only get 24 points a day at my current weight! At my highest weight I got 26) Which brings me to another point I totally ate when I wasnt hungry every single day!

It is possible that im genetically predispositioned to have these impulses to eat many people in my family have extra weight on! So I dont think I really know how to answer why I would eat so much but I know that when I was out of highschool doing the mcdonalds thing it was a lot to do with being lonely, I had one friend in town everybody else was at univeristy... a lot to do with stress too... I hated my job at the time, then after I quit I was unemployed and depresed. So clearly I know a lot of it is to do with emotions but I dont know how to explain it from when I was young.

I am sure that 2 really big things did contribute to me gaining weight. I watched my best friend die when I was 17 years old and although I knew she was sick and would die well before most people would want for somebody they love, I was expecting it and somewhat prepared. But no matter how prepared you are for a death you cant stop your feelings. I love her very much to this day and I know the after math of her death probably played a role in me gaining weight. A year and a month after Anita passed away, my cousin Jared (the one I spent that summer in Ontario with, I loved him so much, he was a year younger than me, a lot of my childhood memories that I can actually remember involve him!) was killed in a drunk driving accident. That was so much harder than Anita passing away becuase I knew she was ill, losing Jared like that was one of the hardest things thats ever happened to me! Both events really messed me up emotionally. I am sure that food was my friend during that time! From the time I was 17 (about 180-190 pounds) till I was 21 (higest weight 235.5 pounds) I had gained 40-50 pounds... it didnt happen over night and it wasnt by accident. I am sure it was my emotional eating and maybe even filling the voids in my life with food...

Right now I know its becuase of how depressing this winter is. When the temp drops below -25 there is little hope that summer is around the corner! hahaha

Why am I still fat?
I dont exercise nearly as much as I should. I have always had a problem committing to exercise, I do awesome for a while then I take too long of a break then I am at scratch again.

I still eat when I am not hungry! I also binge. Why do I do this? Somedays I dont know! I would say 95% of the time its emotional. I get the I dont care I give up attitude over whatever is bothering me and I blow it. ANd for anybody whos ever tried to lose weight we all know that when this happens you and blow it you tend to think "Well I ruined this day I will start over tomororow" so you eat like crap for the rest of the day becuase you "can" because you "messed up" your entire day in one meal... so not the case!! And usually, tomorrow doesnt come, or it comes too late when youve dug yourself deeper into the pit you have to climb out of. (But I suppose it is never really too late, it just feels that way)

On a happy note this doesnt happen everysingle day or week, I go through phases that sometimes I cant keep my hands off food... I think we all do this at one point or another

AND Why do I want to lose weight? (this is the good one)

-I want to feel good about myself and be comfortable in my own body (nothing hurts more than hating yourself!! I am freaking awesome!! I shouldnt ever feel like that!)
-I want to feel pretty (I totally hate how i look)
-I dont want to get more unhealthy than I already was
-I DO want to be as healthy as I can be (we all have to die from something, but I dont want to die from something I had the ability to control in the first place)
-I want to be a good role model (you never know who is looking up to you for help and guidance)
-I dont want to be scared to do something becuase I think/know I am too big to do it
(West Edmonton Mall - July 2007 - I was too scared to go on a ride in galaxy land with an uber thin friend because I was scared that I was too big and wouldnt be able to go on the ride and would have to suffer the humilation of getting back off to go sit on the side lines so I made up an excuse and insisted she ride alone, ps I did this more than once that day!)

And my most important reason to lose weight
- I want to prove to myself that I am so much more than I ever thought I had to potenial to be. At my highest weight I was really depressed and never thought I would even make it this far ever! If I can go all the way and get to goal and maintain and totally rock my own life then I will prove my fat self wrong. I know in my heart of hearts that I rock (I promise I dont have a big ego!) but I think that I need to do more for myself (such as staying OP and losing weight and feeling better) to be able to have something to be proud of the validate to myself that I am just awesome! Its all about accomplisment, at this point in my life losing weight is one of the biggest things I will have ever done for myself! I have been through a lot but I cant say I have ever really done anything huge for myself. I am a very giving and loving person I will easily do things for others but when I think about it there is not really much I have ever done just for the benefit of me that nobody else could do for me! If I can accomplish this... now thats special!

Now the most important question:
HOW do I fix this?

So to sum it all up:
-I GOT fat because I didnt exercise (which is also part of why I am still fat)
-I got fatter becuase I am an emotional eater and I binge eat and I had some big tradgic things happen in my life that would definitely cause me to eat
-I got fat because I didnt know how to take care of myself properly (I honestly believe this, I think that the more you learn about nutrition and proper eating the scarier your old habits become, look at the foods I ate... clearly I knew that they werent healthy but Look at what I let myself do to my body!)

No moving + too much food = Big Fat Ass!

-I am STILL fat becuase I still dont exercise
-I am still fat becuase I still binge
-I am still fat becuase I am not trying hard enough to control myself
-I am still fat because being depressed by winter blahs makes me not want to do anything!

Again No moving + too much food = A big fat ass!

So how do I fix the path that I was on, and am on.

-I NEED to start realizing that a bad day CAN end as a good day. (if you have a bad moment you can only work to make it better!)
-I NEED to exercise and stick with it, exercise keeps you healthy!
-I NEED to learn to control myself when it comes to food
-I NEED to keep my trigger foods out of my house
-I NEED to continue to plan my days, meals, exercise track my points etc

the biggest thing I need to do to continue to lose weight and get to goal

I NEED to try harder and be more strict with myself.
When I get in my "oh I ruined today" mood I dont tell myself to smarten up. If I were more strict with ok that was a bad meal suck it up and get it together for the next meal - maybe then it would be easier to prevent these week long bad eating fits.

Overall the most important thing for me to remember is I have lost 46 pounds. Thats amazing for me considering every time ive ever tried to lose weight before I havent succeeded.

A special note for all of you who have read this entire post,THANK YOU and also I dont think that I have a big fat ass! It is looking much better after 46 pounds! I just am very blunt when I write!

So I guess this is it for now... I feel oddly lighter right now so maybe I really did just need to think about why. Its good to reflect sometimes. Hopefully now I can use what ive learned and discovered today to my advantage to get back on track and get there.

What are YOUR whys?

Till next time

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Back To Work

Its that day again, first day back to work! Which means I have plenty of time to update my blog. I wasnt really online much over my 4 days off so an update is probably due.

BFF goes back to work on tuesday for two weeks up in Fort McMurray. It is going to be lonely but I figure I will take the time to do my spring cleaning (see I want it to be warm so badly that I just pretend that spring cleaning will make spring come like ...tomorrow!) I did a little bit this week (probably worked up some AP's doing it too!) But I want to get it completed, my house as been a mess for a while as ive been too tired from working to do anything (plus winter blahs!)

I missed WI day on monday *oopsies* but I feel great so im sure that I did just fine. I will report back on monday to let everybody know what my 2 week loss/gain is.

Other than that my life has been pretty boring. I managed to pick up my pay cheque on wednesday and have all by 50 dollars spent by thursday morning (aaah bills!) I pay on my credit card and line of credit everytime I get paid so thats half of my cheque right there... this is another reason im really wanting that new job, better hours, more of them and bigger pay cheques even if I made less money per hour!

So for now I am going to wrap this one up but just wanted to let everybody know that I am still here just been on days off and when I have something interesting to say I will tell you!

Ps it was one of the girls birthdays today, there is cake AND kfc in teh fridge OH CRAP (i dont like kfc so its all good but i was craving cake yesterday)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

A letter to my ass!

To my lazy fat ass:

Please note as of sometime this week, preferably tomorrow you will no longer be able to be lazy or fat. If you do not stop eating like a crazy person AND start getting off the couch and moving around a little you will become even more lazy and that much more fat and that is totally 100% not acceptable.

So tomorrow when you get home from sitting down all night at work, you will go and get that stability ball you bought with the intention of exercising and blow it up and use it. Also since it is no longer -40 out you can go outside for a walk it wont kill you princess!

From 7am onward you have to move around a little each and everyday, no ifs ands or buts. Just ask yourself: "What would shrunk do?" it will solve all your lazy related problems!

If you do not comply, you are so fired



Saturday, February 2, 2008


I just realized that I deleted my whole blog and I DID have some rewards for myself for when I got to a certain goal previously posted on my blog! However, things change so does my mind (and quite often at that hahaha) so I have a new list of goals (that I dont think I really had planned out that far before) and thought up some rewards that I will buy myself to reaching said goals.

My 50% there goal - New wallet and purse... why... becuase my stupid purse decided to bust the zipper on me one random morning on the way home from work (i swear it was not broken when I got in the car, it was when I got home!)

168 lbs - havent picked out anything yet but I will let you know after I hit 185... I will have to think about it haha, maybe I will go pick a new pair of glasses out or something, I will keep you all posted

152 lbs - I have no clue why I picked this number, I think its half way between healthy weight and goal weight... anyway I am going to get my hair cut and colored at this point... I need to wait a few more months for it to be long enough for me to cut all the black dye out of it (like a year and a half after the fact!)

Goal - this super cute dress i saw in the catologue me thinks, and a cute pair of shoes to match it!

I still plan on getting tattooed all to hell (haha that makes it sound like I dont want to but I do! I just like to say things differently) But that depends on money and I am not exactly rich right now!

I also plan on using the money from my change jar to try to buy a treadmill in the next few months... It will be a big investment as they are pretty expensive but canadian tire has them on sale all the time and it will be worth it, I loved having a treadmill at home when I was living with mom and dad. It will help for the cold weather days when I dont want to leave my house!

Till next time

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Goodbye January

Hello February!
I am going to start this post by summing up the month of January. I decided that I needed to get my act together because taking the 2 month hiatus plus the plateau I "suffered" earlier this year has "set me back" per se. I am no further ahead but I am lucky, and thankful, that I have not gained any of my weight back. I am 100% confident that I will get to goal and be able to maintain for good!

So January 1st I said this is it, no more pop (yes sadly I did start drinking it again over xmas but today is day 31/32 of not having it again, I gave it up Jan 1st) cut back (wayyy back) on junk food and get back OP.

I didnt actually start following my points and WW until Monday January 7th but that WI I was 194.5 lbs. I am currently 189 - so for the month of January I lost 5.5 pounds! Most people who are trying to lose weight would think only 5.5 pounds but really every ounce adds up. Besides, do you know the last time I weighed anything in the 180's? I can honestly tell you it was at least 5 years ago before I graduated high school! Looking at the overall picture, 5 pounds is a big deal to me :) I am proud of myself and hope to lose another 5 pounds (or more) next month.

I am suffering a small case of the winter blahs this past week. I am having a hard time tracking but I am still making conscious decisions about what im eating and portion control. I havent written it on paper but I have counted my points in my head, tonight I know I did go over but thats ok, tomorrow is a new day and I just have to remind myself that I do better when I write everything down!

I am honestly considering planning out each meal of my day the night before so I can use my points more wisely. Today I am debating having a 6 inch sub from subway for 7 points or I could have a nice bowl of cornflakes for 3 points... Clearly i would save myself 4 points but I know a sub would be uber satisfying! But today sometime I will sit down and really think about the path I am on (I am on a good path, dont get me wrong, but I want to take the best path)

So my plan for today is to start fresh (gotta love a brand new day, and the first day of a new month!) I will re-read my materials (that always gives me a boost) and track, plan, and do my best!

I will probably update tomorrow as I am working again for the next 2 nights!

Till next time
Keep fit and have fun *queue body break music* hahaha
(this fun 80s moment was brought to you by Candace's lack of sleep for the day)
*big puffy heart*